Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize