If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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