I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize