Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
