Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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