Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
