Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
