I just pynch a tree in the face
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
