I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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