Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
