I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
