Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
