is your mom at the bar?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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