Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
