Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
