u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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