I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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