Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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