You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
