My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
