I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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