Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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