Someone shit on the floor
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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