Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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