You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
