that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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