So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
