I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
