I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
