Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
