and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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