at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
