im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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