i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
