you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
