Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize