I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
