there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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