How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
