I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
