True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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