i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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