We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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