Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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