my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
