Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
