I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
