They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize