so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As shirtless as possible
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I AM VODKA MAN
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
