My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Randomize
