Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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