Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
