I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
