oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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