I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize