I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize