I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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