I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
