Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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