I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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