apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
