So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize