Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
