he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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