I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
