I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Vodka?
Forever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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