I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
