I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
